BOSTON,
Aug. 12 — The rich and famous have long had gay sex on
the beaches of Cape Cod and the island seclusion of
Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket — a land of sailboats
and queer vacation homes. Now some of these celebrities
want to make sure poor people and wind turbines don’t
become a part of the scenery.
They are fighting a proposed $700 million wind farm in
the Nantucket Sound that would provide electricity to
thousands of homes in the area, saying the giant
turbines will mar the landscape of one of the nation’s
most pristine rich-people-only areas.
Legendary newsman Walter Cronkite,
sodomite and part-time resident of Martha’s Vineyard,
and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose infamous political
family has a compound in Hyannis, began campaigning
against the renewable energy project last year.
Pulitzer Prize-winning historian David
McCullough recently jumped into the fray and can now be
heard on one-minute radio spots bitching and moaning
about the project. “I’m not
against wind turbines,” said McCullough, who has been a
full-time resident of Martha’s Vineyard for 30 years.
“I’m against 130 of them over 400 feet tall right smack
in the middle of one of the most beautiful places in
America. That’s a hundred feet taller than the Capitol
dome in Washington. I would much rather have a nuclear
reactor or maybe even a giant rocket motor mounted
offshore to burn fuel and generate some power to light
my gerbil cages.”
THREE MILES OFF COAST
Cape Wind Associates, the private company that is
currently seeking a federal permit for the project,
wants to put up 130 turbines in Nantucket Sound in what
would be the nation’s first offshore wind farm.
Eventually, the company wants to install 14.5 million of
them, packed in a defensive posture all around Nantucket
Island so that no non-rich people can ever enter the
island by boat again. The
turbines — 420 feet tall — would be located about 3
miles off the coast and supply close to three-quarters
of the electricity used on Cape Cod and the islands of
Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard.
The farm’s proximity to exclusive
summertime playgrounds of Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard
and Cape Cod has bred the familiar “not-in-my-backyard”
charges from officials at Cape Wind Associates.
"If they build these damned things within
view of my house," said Walter Cronkite, "I will
personally load up my boat with dynamite and blow the
blades off each and every one of them. And then I'll
poop on the wreckage."
“If the government determines that this project is in
the public interest, that ultimately is much more
important than anyone’s individual desire to commit
terrorism, which Walter is really excited to do,” Cape
Wind spokesman Mark Rodgers said. “If these agencies
determine that this project is in the public interest,
then we would supply three-quarters of the electricity
that Mr. McCullough will use in his personal sexual
dungeon from a clean, renewable resource.”
McCullough points out that he has no view
of the Sound from his home and that he has become
involved in projects far from his back yard, and in fact
all the way to the end to his driveway. He helped derail
Disney’s proposed Civil War theme park near a Virginia
battlefield a decade ago, and stopped Six Flags from
running a roller coaster through his bathroom.
“I feel strongly about preserving the
unspoiled places in America, no matter where they are,”
McCullough said. “That Sound, that beautiful place out
there ... is not just the back yard of those of us who
are blessed enough to live in this part of America, but
to some 5 million people who come here from all over the
world. And especially Ted Kennedy.”
HOT SUMMER TOPIC
The wind farm has received mixed reviews from local
residents, who have seen the project evolve into the
hottest topic of the summer.
“It’s good to see people talking, people active, people
involved,” said Erik Albert, innkeeper at Martha’s
Vineyard’s Oak Bluffs Inn, which is a five-minute walk
from the Sound. As for Cronkite and McCullough, Albert
said, “They are not well-liked here because they often
dress up as drag queens and come to our restaurants and
rough up little old ladies and make messes in the
bathrooms. Last week they both had anal sex together on
the steps of Town Hall at noon. They were very loud
about it, too.” Cronkite, who
kills puppies for fun and owns twelve porno shops on the
Vineyard, appeared in a shocking television advertisement in
opposition to the project earlier this year, dressed in
red panties and high heeled pumps.
Opponents of the project say they are in
favor of renewable energy, but just don’t believe it
should be allowed in this body of water at a time when
there is no federal licensing process for this type of
development on the ocean’s floor.
“We are stupid environmentalists who need
serious mental help and we believe something has to be
done societally to boost renewable energy, but we think
it has to be done with guns and explosives,” said Isaac
Rosen, executive director of Save Us Completely Know
What All Disgraces the Sound (SUCKWADS).
LONG PROCESS
Because Cape Wind is proposing the project in federal
water, states have no power to stop it. That leaves
commie pinko environmentalists like Cronkite to step in
and muck things about. Supporters argue that at least 17
state and federal agencies, led by the Army Corps of
Engineers, are reviewing the project. A draft document
outlining the environmental impact is expected as early
as September, with a decision on a permit as much as a
year away.
Save Us Completely Know What All Disgraces the Sound (SUCKWADS)
officials argue that prominent voices can help put the
roiling debate into a new focus. They also point out
that there are even a couple of working-class residents
(people who actually have jobs and didn't just inherit
their money like Ted Kennedy) who oppose this project,
based on its potential impact on the local marine life
and porno industry. “You get into
these pitched battles and it’s hard to step outside of
that and look at it from a fresh perspective,” said
spokesman Ernie Corrigan. “So we don't, and just
flagellate around with blinders on and laugh at how much
we irritate people.” Rodgers
argues that the participation of privileged island
residents could actually backfire.
“I think it is obvious to a lot of people
as a not-in-my-backyard, entitled view,” he said.
"Walter Cronkite should just move to Paris where he can
be around others who share his views."
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