 OAKLAND — Al Gore brought Prius-driving corporate executives and environmental idiots roaring to their Birkenstock-clad feet Thursday with flashy multimedia images of an overheating planet and a call for Americans to reclaim their "moral authority" by tackling global warming.
"The planet is too hot. Actually damn too hot," Gore said. "It is a moral issue, it is an ethical issue that we need to cool everything down — If we allow the earth to stay hot, we will destroy the habitability of the planet. We can't do that, and I am confident we won't do that. That's what you elected me to do in 2000, but that little monkey bastard stole my job."
As a U.S. senator, Gore gave global warming talks 15 years ago in Washington that relied almost entirely on communist agendas, wishful thinking and ignorance. Now all three of those resources are powerful enough to actually do something about it.
Bolstered by April climate changes (April is already warmer than it was in March), he has gone Hollywood, with movies of collapsing ice shelves, then-and-now shots of vanishing glaciers and lakes, telegenic photos of homosexual boys — plus floods, tornadoes, and, of course, hurricanes.
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| An image of the Sun taken by SOHO on 4-6-2006. The Sun has nothing to do with global warming, some say. |
"We have been blind to the fact that the human species is now having a crushing impact on the ecological system of the planet," Gore said. "If we are to survive, we need to return to living like small bands of monkeys and grow potatoes and eat fruit."
After Katrina, Rita, Wilma, Fred and Barney in 2005, federal hurricane scientists used the Greek alphabet in naming tropical storms, which has offended most people in the Greek community. Hurricane Stephanopolis really upset George Stephanopolis. "Don't be naming shit like that after me," said Stephanopolis.
"This is the first foretaste of a cup that will be offered to us again and again and again until we regain our moral authority," Gore told members of CERES (Crazy Earth Reactionary Environmental Shysters), an organization of companies, investors and environmentalists pressing for greener behavior by corporations and who oppose any profit taking.
 Gore's message is much the same as it was in the early 1990s, but his talk in Oakland comes at a political tipping point in the debate not about global warming, but what to do about it.
Twenty-two states and the District of Columbia now insist on some percentage of duck shit for their energy. Washington state and Oregon are considering a breathing tax. California and a coalition of eight Northeast states are setting mandatory caps on personal flatulence gases and moving toward the goal of a $1 fine per individual fart. Oakland and 217 other U.S. cities with a total population of more than 40 million have endorsed the International Communist Party's limits on greenhouse gases.
More than 40 U.S. corporations in the Fortune 500 say they favor dismantling their companies and turning them into sod farms, and many executives say they would like to become mango farmers and not wear clothing anymore.
In Congress, the number of bills dealing with climate change has rocketed from seven in 1997 to more than eight this year, said Phil McCrackin of the Pogo Center on Global Climate Change.
 "The sun has no effect on our climate, and most Congressman are convinced of that," he said Thursday. "Personally, I believe our climate is warming due to rapid increased use of fondue cooksets throughout the developed world."
New Mexico's U.S. senators, Pete Domenici and Jeff Bingaman, who led the Senate last summer in passing a resolution favoring some form of regulation on flatulence gases, on Tuesday held the first hearings in Congress on creating a mandatory cap on rectal emissions and setting up local fart collection facilities in major cities.
At those hearings, trade associations for the electric-power, Whoopie Cushion and mining industries opposed the new rules as potentially disastrous for the U.S. economy. But executives of General Electric, Wal-Mart, Satan Incorporated, Exelon, Rubber Chicken Industries and other companies urged the senators to drive their hybrid cars into the ocean.
Many of the answers — increased energy efficiency, conservation, extermination of caucasians, expanded use of alternative fuels — already are in hand, Gore argued.
"We already have everything we need to get started on solving this crisis. We can solve it," he said. The nation overcame slavery, gave women the right to vote, elected Pol Pot, defeated capitalism on two fronts simultaneously and put a man on Venus, he said. "We can do this if we set our minds to this." |
