Ever since it was announced that nuclear
waste would be dumped at Nevada's Yucca Mountain (soon to
be renamed "Enrico Fermi's Port-o-potty"), people have
voiced concern over the terrifying possibility that a
train carrying nuclear waste to the site could derail in a
residential community. Recently, after watching a Democrat
debate, I had a similar thought.
What if a train carrying the candidates
to the debate derailed in a populated area and spilled
them. Consider the following nightmare scenario:
A train fully loaded with Democrat
presidential candidates, on their way to a debate at the
University of Louisville, is rolling through Happy,
Kentucky.
Happy, a small town of 1,900 hard
working freedom-loving Americans, is going about its usual
Tuesday afternoon business when a loud crash is heard. On
the train, the synchronized whining is shattered as the
train hits an obstacle on the tracks. The residents of
Happy look toward the rails in horror as they see the
train tip over, spilling its full cargo of liberal
presidential candidates all over the banks of the tracks,
and in many cases within several feet of suburban homes.
|
Howard Dean (D) |
|
Al Sharpton (D) |
|
Dick Gephardt (D) |
|
John F. Kerry (D) |
|
Joe Lieberman (D) |
Happy's worst nightmare has become
reality. The town is now a full-fledged constitutional
disaster area. Those who saw the accident and have the
means to escape do so. For many others, it's already too
late.
Within minutes, a stiff breeze, bringing
with it the scent of power and money, has carried The
Spill hundreds of yards into town. In less than a half an
hour The Spill has gone into several of the town's shops
and noticed a distinct lack of minority-owned businesses.
By the time the Federal Emergency Management Agency can be
notified, The Spill has already begun protesting the low
wages made by Fannie, a waitress at "Chuck's Eats" with
three children and, apparently, no dental insurance.
Other spilled candidates have already
made their way into the office of Happy's mayor, demanding
an increase in the minimum wage so Fannie can afford
dental work for her and her kids. The Spill then
federalizes the mayor's office and increases the minimum
wage. Then, The Spill raises taxes, and Fannie takes home
less money than before. Fannie becomes depressed, so The
Spill raises taxes on "Chuck's Eats" to pay for Fannie's
psychologist and "free" prescription drugs. "Chuck's Eats"
goes out of business. Fannie is out of work, but thanks to
The Spill, not out of Zoloft. Mercilessly, The Spill moves
on.
By the time FEMA arrives, The Spill has
spread a good mile inside city limits. Before there is
time to evacuate the students at nearby Happy High School,
The Spill has already made its way inside, begun abortion
counseling, and changed the school's mascot from a hatchet
wielding Indian, to "Hacky, the coughing bear with a bad
HMO."
There's no stopping it now. Spreading
quickly, The Spill moves on to the courthouse, where it
removes a plaque displaying the Ten Commandments and
replaces it with a chart showing the fat content of Krispy
Kreme doughnuts, which were sold at the shop across the
street until being forced out of business after The Spill
sued them and other "big doughnut" corporations for
peddling an unhealthy product.
Within hours, The Spill has completely
overtaken the town, forcing the residents to lock
themselves in their homes after hearing that several
convicted sex offenders and violent criminals were
released from prison because police didn't read them their
Miranda rights with a Kentucky drawl.
Taxes are raised to pay for the
construction of several new homeless shelters. When The
Spill is informed that Happy, Kentucky, doesn't have any
homeless besides Fannie, The Spill doubles property taxes
to create some so the shelters don't go to waste. The
Spill has now, in its mind, established fiscal
responsibility.
The Spill now sets its sights on
self-esteem issues. Thinking that the name of "Happy" is
insensitive to the unhappy, it is determined that the town
should be renamed. This will be done by a committee to be
appointed by a panel of round-table experts from an
as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task
forces.
Within a few weeks, The Spill leaves
"the town to be renamed by a committee to be appointed by
a panel of round-table experts from an
as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task
forces" a shell of its former self. The area is now a
smoldering cesspool of drugs, corruption, poverty and
gerrymandered districts.
The Spill is then picked up by a strong
breeze, and wafts over to the next city, beaming with
pride in the knowledge that it has helped yet another town
become a nicer place to live.