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DNA Proves Chimpanzees And Humans Are Identical
April 1, 2006
Both are people

Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer of the National Academy of Sciences Commission for Primate Affairs has confirmed that chimpanzee and human DNA are actually identical. “The chimp is a human being with a different lifestyle,” Dr. Meinheimer explained to an emergency assembly of zoo and laboratory directors that was convened by the White House Commission on Human Rights to expedite the release of these people into society.

Chimpanzees may no longer be called “chimps” but must be referred to as “chimpanics,” explained Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginzberg. “Chimpanics are covered under existing human rights and access legislation, meaning that they must be accommodated just like anybody else,” Justice Ginzberg went on to warn.

Justice Department attorney Bruce Wayne announced that the FBI would be enforcing the immediate release of all chimpanics from captivity in the United States, and U.S. United Nations Ambassador John Bolton stated that “it is the President’s wish that the United States bring the issue of chimpanic rights up before the Security Council. Chimpanics worldwide must be released into normal society immediately.”

All American chimpanics are in the process of being identified and issued social security numbers. Chimpanic children are expected to be mainstreamed into schools across the country, under provisions of the “No Child Left Behind Law.” School systems found isolating them in special classes will be punished by the withdrawal of federal funds.

Bronx Zoo Chimpanic Affairs Associate (formerly Monkey House cleaner) George Moppett says, “our bars are down and our chimpanics are free to come and go as they please. Most of them are still using the zoo as home base, but one troupe has already moved to Manhattan.”

It is expected that laboratories and zoos will have completed the nationwide release of chimpanics by the end of the week.

   
 

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