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Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
- Oil Change $20.00
- Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00
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Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a
case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open first beer and drink it, to assess the situation.
4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted
crap. Jack up vehicle.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you
in process, cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
oil filter and twist off.
 16)
Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a
beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it
for recycling.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to grocery store to buy 3.2 beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface. (Note that the filter companies tell
you to do this just to ensure that the GASKET is actually there...)
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly
cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
 31)
Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling
trophy.
36) More beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
stop blood flow.
38)
Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, she makes bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts $50.00
- DUI $2500.00
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1500.00
- Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!!!
Special thanks to Triple K for sending this wise oil-change
breakdown scenario...
Special thanks also go out to Triple K for retrieving my
Benchmade Elishewitz Axis CQB knife at deer camp in 2005. Thank
you, Kenny!
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